(Los Angeles Public Library)

J: As president of The Harmonicists of America club, I hereby open this weekly meeting with the Harmonicist pledge. Please hold your arms straight out to the side and repeat after me. I do solemnly swear…
T, B, G, M, R: I do solemnly swear…
J: To uphold the rights and traditions…
T, B, G, M, R: To uphold the rights and traditions…
J: Of The Harmonicists of America.
T, B, G, M, R: Of the Harmonicists of America.
J: Otherwise known as THOA.
T, B, G, M, R: Otherwise known as THOA.
J: I further promise…
T, B, G, M, R: I further promise…
J: To help everyone in need...
T, B, G, M, R: To help everyone in need…
J: By playing the harmonica for them.
T, B, G, M, R: By playing the harmonica for them.
J: And if they should say…
T, B, G, M, R: And if they should say…
J: "Damnit, I hate harmonica players! Please go away! I don't want to hear you play that God durn harmonica!"
T, B, G, M, R: "Damnit, I hate harmonica players! Please go away! I don't want to hear you play that God durn harmonica!"
J: We shall take our harmonicas…
T, B, G, M, R: We shall take our harmonicas…
J: Which are made of the finest handcrafted metal…
T, B, G, M, R: Which are made of the finest handcrafted metal…
J: And go Medieval on their ass.
T, B, G, M, R: And go Medieval on their ass.
J: This I solemnly swear.
T, B, G, M, R: This I solemnly swear.
J: Okay, well, now that we've done the pledge, Mr. Secretary, can you read us the minutes of last meeting?
G: Certainly, Ms. President. Last week we discussed ways to get more members to join our club. I suggested that we tie a ribbon around Ramon and market the fact that we have the largest zucchini this side of the Pacific, to which Ramon responded "Don't make me get baum biggoty on your ass." We decided to hang up posters at school and hold a harmonica concert on Westwood Blvd. We then did a version of "Oh Susannah" that still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it, then we had punch and pie. Ramon complained that he hated blueberry pie, so I asked him if grapes and blueberries were mortal enemies. Ramon then yelled "THAT'S IT!" and lunged for me, but he was interrupted mid-lunge by the end of the meeting.
J: Thank you, Gerald. Now before we begin the agenda for today, does anybody have any motions for today?
R: I have a motion.
J: The committee recognizes Ramon.
R: I suggest that the minutes be more about the actual meeting and not about my official government uniform.
G: Ramon, saying that a librarian is a government official is like saying that the cashier at McDonald's is a four star chef.
R: Dude, Gerald, I hate to mention this, but you work in a library to.
G: Yeah, but I don't look like an unripe banana while doing it.
R: I'll show you who's an unripe banana! (he lunges at Gerald)
J: All right guys, cool it. Ramon, your motion is denied. Does anyone have a motion that doesn't result in the club losing some much-needed early meeting entertainment?
T: I do! I have found us a NEW club member!
M: Wow, Mara, really? Gee, golly, that's splendid!
B: Yeah! A new member will make us an even Seven! Now we can do the seven-part harmony to the Camptown Races!
G: Hold on a second! I like our little group of six. Sure, I would like THOA to have branches all around the world, but I don't think that the executive branch should accept any more people.
R: Word, my brotha.
T: Gerald, in case you haven't noticed, THOA hasn't found as much reception as we thought. We NEED money to keep funding our projects. For example "Harmonicas Across America" our goal of giving all the inner city school districts free harmonicas has a projected cost of $10,493. Our treasury has fifty cents and this green button.
M: Hey - that's my button!
T: Well it's THOA's now!
M: You give me my button back! I need it for my button collection! It is a rare, priceless 1993 forest green blazer button for blazers and other such garments that cannot be considered coats but must not be mistaken for shirts.
T: Priceless you say?
R: Let me look at that! (Mara gives Ramon the Button). Interesting. It says 1993 on the back, but it is clearly dated around 1994 or 1995. Look at the paint. It is a shade darker than the forest green that came out in '93. Also, if you look, the buttonholes are slightly more ovular than before. This is to accommodate for the change of the Boye needles to a more ovular shape, which occurred in December of '94. I estimate this button to go for $5 dollars at auction.
M: You're right. Now that I look at it closer, I see that the circular pattern of the outer edge is slightly darker than ones from 1993 that I've seen in museums. I can't believe I was so dumb as to believe that button was the real thing. I paid $.25 for it at a garage sale, and I thought I was making an AWESOME deal. Now I realize that I was so stupid!
G: Don't worry about it Mandy. You made a common mistake. Ramon and I are hard-core button collectors. Sometimes we go on binges and buy 50-60 buttons at a time. Other times we just sit around and look at all the buttons we've acquired. It's a hard habit to break, but it takes a while to distinguish real buttons from the imposters.
R: True 'dat. One time, I bought some buttons on the street, thinking that they were going to be high-quality stuff, but when I got them home, I realized that they were merely flat circular objects with holes stuck in them designed to attach one fold of clothing to another. I felt that I had been taken advantage of, but I couldn't complain to the police because I bought the buttons on the black market.
G: Dude I feel yo pain. I got sold some wack buttons and I felt like duecing the mo' fo' so he don't sell messed up buttons no mo'.
R: You'll have to excuse Gerald and I. Talking about buttons brings us back to our days in the ghetto when all we had was our pride and half a kilo of buttons.
G: Dude, slap me some skin!
(Gerald and Ramon slap hands. Mandy, Beth, Julia, and Mara stare at Ramon and Gerald for ten seconds).
T: So… uh… can my new member join?
J: I suggest we look at this new member and deem if she's worthy to become part of our club.
B: I second that motion.
J: All in favor?
T, M, B: I.
J: All opposed?
R, G: Nay!
J: The I's have it. We'll look at your new member at the earliest convenience.
T: Well I told…
(there is a knock on the door)
R: Oh my God! That could be my boss wondering why I'm not at work. Quick I've gotta hide!
G: We'll camouflage you! Quick, does anyone have 100 gallons of lime sherbet?
R: That's it! (Ramon lunges for Gerald)
T: Cool it, guys. It's probably just my pledge for THOA. I told her to come about ten minutes after the meeting started.
(Sarah enters)
S: Hey guys, what's up?
R, G: (unison, incredulously): SARAH?
M: I didn't know you played the harmonica Sarah!
S: Oh yeah, when I was a kid my dad used to sit me on his knee and we would have harmonica jam sessions. I can really wail.
R: Sarah, our club isn't just about playing harmonicas, you know. It's about everything harmonica. Cleaning and storage as well as harmonica merchandise such as T-Shirts, bumper stickers, and novelty foam harmonicas.
S: I can do that! I've already thought of a slogan - "It's harmonicawesome!"
R: Harmonicawesome??? That's the stupidest word I've ever heard!
M: Hey Ramon - that slogan is TON'S better than yours - "Play the Harmonica or DIE"
G: I thought that slogan was tough but fair. It suggested you play the harmonica, but it gave you an option should you NOT choose to play.
R: I suggest that we put Sarah to the test - an initiation, if you will.
G: I second that motion.
J: All in favor?
M, G, R, B, J: I
J: All opposed.
S, T: NAY!!!
J: The I's have it! Sarah, you will be chained up in the library until tomorrow when we will come and initiate you as we see fit.
T: You guys, have you ever wondered WHY we don't have any members? Perhaps it is because we chain pledgees up before initiation.
R: Nonsense! Harmonica players must be tough! Say, for instance, you get in a fight with the kazoo players. You'll be glad that you were put through the test.
S: Mara, You never told me about a test like this! I would have never come if I thought I would be chained in a library all night! You guys, WAIT! My cat was killed in a library. She went it to get a book on neurofibromatosis and we never saw her again!
R: Oh, tell it to the judge!
(They chain Sarah up)
G: By the way, Ramon, what's that you got in your hand?
R: It's a package of Ramon Noodles. I thought I'd bring them to Beth to help her remember my name.
G: Great, I'm STARVING!
R: Then let's eat!
J, T, M, R, G, B: YAY!

Act I

Act III