(Outside the door of the library)
J: Okay you guys, are you ready for the initiation?
G, B, M: Yeah!
J (to T): Has the subject been prepared?
T: You guys know that I'm REALLY am opposed to this whole initiation thing?
G: Come on Mara, stop being a wuss. It's not like we're going to scar her for life or anything.
T: I'm not so sure. Remember two weeks ago when Waldo wanted to join our group?
G: Waldo the Baldo?
T: That's just it. He wasn't BALD until we made him shave his head and make a fake rat from the shavings.
G: So? We want to make sure that people who join our club were dedicated.
T: Yeah, but THEN you made him go to the zoo and make his hair look like it was a REAL rat in a cage of hungry lions.
G: Yeah. Well how were we supposed to know that they were doing an experiment on how long hungry lions could sleep?
M: Remember when the lions woke up? And Waldo the Baldo accidentally got the rat stuck to his shoe, so when he was climbing the cage, a lion grabbed the rat from the end of the shoe, but he grabbed the WHOLE shoe and almost pulled Waldo the Baldo down with him?
(M, G, J, and B laugh)
T: IT'S NOT FUNNY, GUYS! Waldo never walked the same since.
G: You act like it was US that bit his toe off.
J: Yeah, Mara, lighten up. Has Sarah been prepared?
T: (sigh) Yes.
J: Is everyone wearing their ceremonial Robes?
T, G, B, M: Yes.
J: Okay, then. We're almost ready. Do we have the ceremonial music?
G: It's Ramon's turn to bring the ceremonial music.
M: Yeah, where is Ramon anyway?
(Ramon enters)
R: Hi guys sorry I'm late.
G: Ramon, what the hell are you wearing?
R: The cleaners accidentally ruined my ceremonial initiation robe, so I ran to the Initiation store to get one. But they were all out. All they had was this lime green poncho, and I figured it was better than nothing.
G: You look like a green tent.
R: First of all, I think it's hip. Second of all, nobody asked you.
G: Nobody ever asks me. Maybe if they did, they wouldn't end up looking like a drowned leprechaun. Why didn't you just buy a black sheet or something?
R: Maybe I didn't WANT to buy a black sheet.
G: So instead you choose to look like the angel of broccoli.
R: That's IT! (he lunges for Gerrald)
B: Okay, settle down guys. What do you have in your hand, Ramon?
R: Only the finest in paddle technology since the Initiation Paddle 4000. It's the Initiation Paddle 4000A, a paddle hand-crafted by monks who are trained to do nothing but make initiation paddles and initiation paddle related instruments, such as retirement paddles, annual knock-down paddles, and "just for fun" paddles. Sculpted out of fine California Oak, it's one of the greatest paddles I've ever had the privilege to hold.
T: Oh jeez, we're not going to paddle her, are we?
J: Calm down, Mara, the paddling takes place after she's finished her first task.
R: Can't we move the paddling up? I've been dying to test this baby out. I thought that I might actually get to use it with Waldo the Baldo, but he turned out to be a big baby.
G: Yeah, remember when he just sat there bawling, "my toe, my toe!" For like twenty minutes?
(R, J, G, B, and M laugh)
T: You guys are sick.
R: Sick like foxes.
B: Hey - I didn't know that California had oak trees!
R: Oh yeah - haven't you heard the Rhyme:
From the East into the West
California trees are best.
We have oak and birch and cherry,
And almost any form of berry.
B: Wow, that's cute. We don't have any poems like that…
R, J, G, M, T (Interrupt Beth any time after poems, in unison):
From the coasts of all our beaches
To the forest's farthest reaches.
Weather sycamore or palm
California trees are 'da bomb.
J, M, T:
All the gangsta rappas reply
G, R:
Yo the yellow birch is fly.
And the valley girls will drool
J, M, T (in valley girl accent):
Like, trees are totally cool.
R, J, G, M, T:
And in Silicon Valley they will cite
(plug noses)
We prefer trees to the gigabyte.
(unplug noses)
It is no surprise to find
A drug dealer with firs on the mind
And who can begrudge a yew
To the primary caregivers who make stew?
And the surfer on his Harley
Will hasten to say that trees are gnarly
Some will ask, and some will inquire
With the intent to raise our ire
How are your trees different from Colorado's?
We will just eat our avocados.
And think of our California redwood.
And, how, indeed, all trees are good.
Oh California, we adore,
The trees on your dirt-packed floor.
From North to South, from East to West,
California trees are best.
(J, T, M, R, G slap hands)
B: Uh… okay. Uh… well, that was a very nice tree poem, but shouldn't we get on with the initiation?
G: Yeah. Ramon, do you have the initiation music?
R: I sure do (indicates the Donovan CD).
G: What the hell is that?
R: Only the most perfect initiation CD ever!!!!
G: (with relief) Oh good, I thought it was actually a Donovan CD.
R: It is.
G: Ramon!! What the hell??? I thought it was bad enough when you came in here looking like a large deflated green hot-air balloon, but this is worse. How are we supposed to initiate Sarah while listening to Mellow Yellow and the Electric Banana?
R: But they just don't WRITE lyrics like that anymore. Think about it Gerald. First there is a mountain… then there is no mountain… then there is.
G: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
R: That's it. I could handle it when you made fun of my outfit. But to dis Donovan, man, that's like insulting my honor. I challenge you to a duel.
G: Gee, I'm sorry. I don't feel right about dueling with the jolly green giant.
R: Don't make me bust a cap in yo' ass.
G: Oh no, the small palm tree is threatening me.
R: That's IT! (he lunges for G)
J: Cool it, guys. Ramon, I think I have some initiation music in my car. Go and get it.
R: Why can't we use Donovan?
J: Ramon, really.
R: All right, all right.
(Ramon exits)
J: Mandy, it's your turn to come up with the first trial. Have you thought it up yet?
M: Yes I have, madam president.
J: Okay, well once Ramon returns with the initiation CD, we will begin. Does everyone remember their part?
M, T, G, B: Yes.
(Ramon returns)
R: I'm back.
J: We can see that. Do you have the music?
R: Yes.
J: And you remember your part?
R: Sho' do.
J: All right, then we can start.
(they enter the room)
S: YOU GUYS!!! Thank God! My arms hurt, I've had to go to the bathroom for the past 16 hours, and I think something is slowly gnawing away at my leg.
J: SILENCE! (the lights turn off. A small light shines on the speaker)
B: Sarah Church, you wish to be part of the Harmonicists of America. This is a group entrenched in tradition, playing the harmonica, and most of all, initiating new members in a way that causes as much pain as is allowed by law to its initiates.
R: You have been chosen out of many possible candidates to possibly (but not likely) become a new member of our group. To join takes fortitude, courage, and most importantly, pain reducing medication.
T: To ensure that you are serious about our organization, you will need to perform three tasks. The first task will be completed today. If you make it through with reasonable success, the second task will be completed tomorrow. In the unlikely event that the second task is carried out, the third task will be given. If the third task is achieved, you will become a member of our elite group.
J: LET THE ASSIGNMENT OF THE FIRST TASK BEGIN!!!
(music starts)
G: Before you begin your task, we must prepare you for what this task will entail. There is no doubt that you will go through hell, but playing the harmonica with truly gifted individuals will take you to heaven. I must warn you… that this task is not for the light-hearted. It… Okay, cut, what the hell? I thought we said that you COULDN'T use Donovan, Ramon!
R: Yeah, but I didn't think you were serious. I mean, come on guys, tell me this isn't the most perfect initiation music EVER!
G: I'm not going to dignify that comment with a response.
J: All in favor of Ramon never being able to pick initiation music ever again?
G, J, T, M, B: I.
J: All opposed?
R: Nay.
J: The I's have it. Ramon, you are not allowed to pick music in any of the Harmonicist meetings ever again.
R: Aw, shucks.
G: Well now that the mood has been ruined, let's just assign the task.
J: Agreed. Mandy, you may proceed.
M: Sarah Church, for your first task, you are to take this super glue and go to the zoo, where you will glue yourself to the left hind leg of an elephant. You must stay thus glued for 36 hours, and when the zoo opens, you must do a dance for all the spectators, preferably the charleston.
S: What does this have to do with harmonicas?
J: SILENCE!!!! Sarah, your task has been given. You must carry it out within two hours. The Harmonicist members and I will follow you to ensure this task is done. (they unchain Sarah).
R: Why does every meeting we have end in us going to the zoo?
G: What, are you afraid that the animals will mistake you for a large head of lettuce?
R: That's IT! (he lunges for Gerald)
J: Cool it guys. The final thing to do is the ceremonial rap song to send Sarah off. Gerrald, Ramon, Beth, and Mandy? You may begin.
(Beth and Mandy provide the background music)
R: Now listen well and listen good.
G: We're the badest asses in the neighborhood.
R: We play the harmonica night and day.
G: Word.
R: And have jam sessions in a major way.
G: Double up.
R: And have jam sessions in a major way.
G: Now you be quick and you be cool.
R: Yo.
G: And you obey the golden rule.
R: Hey.
G: And if you choose to act the foo'.
G: We'll kick yo' ass old school.
R: What?
G: We'll kick yo' ass old school.
R: You have your task you have your aim.
G: Word.
R: And now you choose to play the game.
G: Uh-huh.
R: So set out sista' and make us proud.
G: Preach it.
R: And you'll be able to join our crowd.
R, G (unison): Word to your motha.
(T, M, J, B clap)
G: By the way, Ramon, what's that you got in your hand?
R: It's a package of Ramon Noodles. I thought I'd bring them to Beth to help her remember my name.
G: Great, I'm STARVING!
R: Then let's eat!
J, T, M, R, G, B: YAY!

Act II

Act IV