(Ramon and Gerrald are sitting in their jail cell)

R: Come on Gerrald let's do something. I'm bored.
G: Shut up, Ramon, I'm still pissed off at you!
R: Why is this my fault? Who would have thought that breaking into a zoo, jimmying the lock of the elephant cage, and super gluing one's hands to an elephant's left hind leg was a crime?
G: That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it. They wouldn't have arrested us if you hadn't taken off your green poncho.
R: I thought that if the police knew that I was a government worker like themselves, they wouldn't be so hard on us.
G: First of all, you're NOT a government worker - that's like a hospital janitor saying he's a world-renowned brain surgeon! Secondly, your "plan" really backfired.
R: How was I supposed to know that the officer had a fear of books?
G: Because you were the one that dropped the books on his head!!!
R: It was my first day, and I wasn't used to the ladders.
G: That's no excuse. You know, Ramon, I knew that you looking like an oversized bottle of Heineken was going to backfire on us one day, but I didn't think it would be this bad.
R: Shut up! Don't make me kick your ass!
G: Oh no, the large green flower vase is threatening me!
R: That's IT! (he lunges for Gerrald).
(J, B, M enter).
J: You guys, stop fighting! You should be thinking of a way to get us out of here, not acting like children!
R: What are you guys doing here?
M: Beth got in a fight with one of the girls on the women's side, so they had to move us over here.
G: You got in a fight, Beth?
T: Yeah, you should have seen her. This 300-pound inmate named Bertha came in and took the top bunk, but Beth had already had dibs on it, so Beth said "don't make me kick your ass" and Bertha said "I'd like to see you try!" and they started going at it.
R: I'm guessing that since Beth isn't hurt that the warden came before they could fight?
M: No they fought.
T: I've never seen a 300-pound woman hit the wall so fast! Come to think of it, I've never seen a 300-pound woman hit the wall at all!
G: Whoa! But why didn't they just move you to another cell in the woman's ward?
M: Well when Bertha hit the wall, she made a hole to the outside, and the woman's prison is so over-crowded that they had to move us here.
R: Where's Sarah?
J: She's in another cell. They had to put her in a cell by herself.
G: They couldn't get the elephant off of her?
J: No. Apparently she's never heard that a little super glue goes a long way. She used the entire bottle!
M: You guys, I feel HORRIBLE about this all.
R: Mandy, it's not your fault.
M: If only I had said the Right leg!
J: Yeah, I don't get it. Why is it legal to glue your hands to the left leg of an elephant and not the right?
T: I think I can field that question. It is an Ancient German belief that the left leg of an animal is sacred. When the '49ers came out here to mine gold, they carried with them the traditions of their Ancient German forefathers, hence the law. Haven't you ever heard the German nursery rhyme: "Be it a stump or be it a peg, never blemish the left let"?
R: Uh, no…
G: You Germans are weird.
T: And I suppose you think it's normal to wear lederhosen and drink beer all the time?
G: Uh, that's Germans too.
T: Oh, yeah.
R: I don't know guys. I think lederhosen might be comfortable.
G: This coming from the jumbo Chia Pet.
R: That's IT! (he lunges for Gerrald)
B: Okay, cool it, guys. We need a way to make bail. How much is it for all of us?
J: Sir Treasurer?
T: Hey, I thought I was treasurer!
J: That was before you used the button for the shirt you made.
T: You guys said it was worthless!
J: And it was. But you should have kept it until we had it appraised! Continue Ramon.
R: Well, to bail out all of us AND the elephant, it will cost us $40,000 dollars.
G: Why do we have to bail the elephant out?
R: Would you like to be responsible for a poor, helpless elephant being stuck in jail? What if he's taking a shower and somebody drops the soap? An elephant doesn't understand what that means! I shudder to think what would happen!
(G, M, T, B, and J stare at R for 5 seconds)
G: Uh… okay. So how are we going to pay $40,000?
R: Gerrald - you and me could put on a concert where we freestyle rap!
G: YEAH!!
J: Uh… you guys, I don't think that will cut it.
R: No, we're REALLY good. Take a listen. Mandy, could you give us a beat?
M: Uh… I guess. (she starts background music)
R: Yo, yo yo, it's G and R.
G: Word.
R: And we be chillin' near and far.
G: Hey.
R: And if you want to drive my car.
G: Yo.
R: You'll have to take me to a bar.
G: I hear 'dat bro.
We're so old schoo', we really fly.
R: Preach.
G: We chase down honnies that we spy.
R: Yeah.
G: We eat the eggs that we fry.
R: Word.
G: We wear bling bling up to the sky.
R: Don't you know.
G: I'm G.
R: I'm R.
G, R: (unison) we're G and R.
G: We coo.
R: We fly.
G, R: (unison) we will be stars.
G: G, and R, we in 'da house
R: We'll deuce yo ass if you should grouse
G: We rap.
R: We flow.
G, R: (unison) we'll take your ho.
Word to your motha.
(G and R slap hands)
G: Yo, 'dat was da best rap eva!
R: I feel you, man. I really feel 'dat we clicked. We had wicked rhymes, and WICKED rhythm!
(they slap hands again)
T: Okay, if that was your best freestyle ever, then I propose that we never allow Gerrald and Ramon to freestyle again.
R: Trick, shut yo trap!
J: No more, Ramon. All in favor?
M, T, J, B: I.
J: All opposed?
G, R: NAY.
J: The I's have it. Gerrald and Ramon, you are restricted to rap that is written down or memorized from now on.
G: Yo, dat's harsh.
R: Word.
B: Okay, so several minutes later, we STILL don't have an idea for posting bail.
G: Wowie Zowie Mara, what are you wearing???
T: (sexy voice) do you like it? After we got in our cell, I wanted to slip into something a little more… comfortable.
B: I told her that the only people she would see is women convicts, but she didn't listen.
T: You would have been wrong, wouldn't you have?
R: Dude, she's been in here for like 10 minutes - and you just noticed her outfit now?
G: Thanks for the observation, Mr. Unripe Banana.
R: That's IT! (he lunges for G)
T: That's enough guys. (sexy voice) Gerrald, you never said if you… liked it?
G: Man, Mara, you have to ask? You look so glamorous - like Ginger from Gilligan's Island!
R: I never thought Ginger was so glamorous. Give me Maryanne any day - GROWL!
G: You would - being a farm girl, she would like guys who look like unshucked corn.
R: That's IT! (he lunges for G)
M: Cool it, guys. Let's get back to the problem at hand. How are we going to raise $40,000?
J: I like the idea of a concert. But not rap. What about…
J, M, R, G, T, B: Harmonica's!
G: Yeah! Why didn't we think of this before?
M: And in the beginning, Mara and I can do our comedy duet!
T: Yeah!
J: How does that duet go again?
M: Hey Mara!
T: Yeah, Mandy?
M: I had an operation yesterday.
T: Oh yeah, what kind?
M: An appendectomy.
T: What kind of operation is that?
M: That's were they take out your appendix.
(Silence for two seconds)
T: Hey Mandy, my sister is so lazy and fat.
M: How lazy and fat is she?
T: When she sits around the house, she sits on our couch in front of the TV for hours eating Doritos.
(Silence for two seconds)
M: Hey Mara!
T: Yeah Mandy?
M: I just flew in from Brooklyn and boy are the seats on the plane comfortable!
(Silence for two seconds)
T: Hey Mandy?
R: Okay, that's enough!
G: Mara and Mandy, I hate to break this to you, but in order to have a comedy duet, you have to have funny jokes.
T: They WERE funny!
R: Uh… no they weren't.
M: I know you guys were laughing on the inside.
B: I propose that Mara and Mandy are NEVER allowed to do their "comedy" duet ever again.
J: All in favor?
R, G, J, B: I
J: All opposed?
T, M: NAY!
J: The I's have it. Mara and Mandy, you are no longer able to do your so-called comedy routine in our presence ever again.
T, M: Dagnammit!
R: Dude, I'll swear on a stack
G: That comedy routine was wack
R: Word.
J: Gerrald and Ramon, what did we say about freeform rapping?
G, R: Not to do it.
J: Then please don't do it.
G, R: Yes ma'am.
B: Well now that we've got that settled, let's discuss our concert. Now I say that we…
S: (interrupts Beth) Hey guys!
R: Hey Sarah. Hey JoJo.
G: What are you doing out of jail?
S: The zookeeper bailed us all out! He said that JoJo has been despondent lately, and that this whole ordeal has made him better! We're all free to go!
G: Yes!!
R: I'm never going to make fun of zookeepers ever again!
J: You guys, even though we're free to go, I suggest that we put on a harmonica concert for the prisoners. I think they would really enjoy our jazzy style of playing.
B: I second that motion.
J: All in favor?
J, R, G, B, M, T: I.
J: All opposed? Okay, then it's a plan.
S: You guys are so great! I can't wait until I am able to join the club!
R: You've still got two tasks and a paddling left!
S: Come on guys, haven't I had enough? I mean, I came to get you from jail!
J: SILENCE!! You must join the club legitimately, or it won't feel right.
B: Still, I feel like we should at least let Sarah play for our prison jam.
T: I second that emotion!
J: All in favor?
T, B, M, J: I.
J: All opposed?
R, G: Nay!
J: The I's have it. Sarah, you are allowed to play with us as an initiate for our prison jam.
S: YAY! Thank you so much guys!
R: Hey, what about JoJo? It was him that got us out of prison! I say we make him an honorary member!
S: Hey - if JoJo gets to be an honorary member, I think that I should be able to become a member too!
J: SILENCE! All in favor of making JoJo an honorary member of the Harmonicists of America?
J, R, G, B, M, T: I.
J: All opposed? The I's have it. JoJo, you are an honorary member of the Harmonicists of America! Our club has seven members!
J, R, G, B, M, T: YAY!!!
S: Awww man, passed up by an elephant.
G: By the way, Ramon, what's that you got in your hand?
R: It's a package of Ramon Noodles. I thought I'd bring them to Beth to help her remember my name.
G: Great, I'm STARVING!
R: Then let's eat!
J, T, M, R, G, B: YAY!

Act III